Hhmmm... what to say?  Anything, I guess, since I haven't been writing at all.  So much has been going on, so much has changed within this past year!  What whirlwind!  I don't know that I have taken adequate time to sit and process it all.  Of course, I have my moments, in the 'in between' of my day to day where I am thankful and vocalize that to Papa... Well, vocalize as speaking with my heart where I know my Father hears.  All good gifts come from Above.  What a GOOD FATHER!  And He never leaves me.  He will not abandon me.  Not even now. 

I need Him.  Everyday.  Every moment of every day.  It seems the older I get, though I am not that old, the more I realize this.  I'm learning.  Always learning.  Though perhaps not as fast as I would like.  I see the woman I want to be, long to be and I don't know how to get there.  A woman of peace.  A woman full of love and grace.  A woman of wisdom and one who is secure in her Father's love.  A woman who radiates the Kingdom in all things... I find that I fail at all of those things.

Marriage definitely feels like a firey furnace sometimes.  A furnace meant to burn out the dross and purify my heart.  It is a new thing for me, this marriage.  As new as 2 months tomorrow.  I love my husband, my best friend... it's just that I don't always love who I feel I have become.  Or perhaps I have always been like this and marriage just reveals what I could not see on my own.  I am selfish and often times get cranky.  Before, when the only company was myself, I suppose I thought this to be 'normal' or at least ok.  I'm learning.  I'm learning to give myself GRACE.  Even if you asked my husband how I was doing I bet I would come down on myself harder than he.  I love him.  Have I said that?  We are learning.  It's a process and it's beautiful- the dross being removed and our love being purified. 

It's just... Well, it's just that it's hard to learn and grow and seek after God with everything else.  The day in, day out, get up, go to work, come home, fix dinner, eat dinner with your husband, clean up after dinner, get ready for bed... I feel as though I need a break and I don't know where to go to find it.  Obviously God gives rest to His children, but I'm not sure how to seek that now.  Marriage is a gift.  Singleness was also a gift for different reasons.  I love my husband and I am so thankful for him!  I just wonder if there's something I am missing. There are a lot of things I would like to pursue, books I'd love to read, paintings I aspire to paint... but at the end of the day I completely exhausted.  No, when I wake up I am exhausted. 

Of course, we have a few projects we are working on and the house isn't quite in 'order' at this point.  I keep telling myself that once it's in 'order' we can rest.  But will we?  I desire and very much long to go to grad school next year and I may need to work on top of that.  Can I do that?  And what about children?  How am I going to manage to be a mom some day when I am struggling in this?  Worrying that far ahead will do me no good.  Father gives adequate strength for each day.  Even now I don't feel as though it's a problem that needs to be solved, but more as though my feet are slipping and I am in need of firm footing in order to stand each day- no matter what comes. 

So, Father... I pray and ask that You would establish my steps.  Teach me to be a wife.  One that my husband may be proud of and so loved by.  I ask for rest as I lay the burdens I have been carrying at Your feet.  Specific things.  That's what was prayed continually and by many as I stepped out and joined my husband in this community.  Would You speak to me about those specific things You would have for me?  Would You make it so clear as to what You would have me to do?  I give You my time.  Help me to manage my time and to never stop coming to Your throne.  May Your Spirit rest afresh on me each day.  How I love Your presence Lord. Open my eyes to see Your provision and open my heart to give You praise in ALL things.  You and You alone are my source, my strength.  Where would I be without you?  I shudder the thought.  Wreck me once again with Your amazing love that never lets me go. 

praying for wind

Well, it has definitely been awhile since I have posted.  I have been to Denmark and Sweden and back, graduated from SoM, and returned home in Bryan, Ohio to job search and prepare for whatever is next.  I guess you could say that a lot has been going on since we last met :)  ...and God has definitely NOT slowed down the refining process in my life.

Since being home, I have been trying to grasp and explain to others what it is like to be home from the school of ministry... to somehow share in a few words all of what God did there and where I find myself now.  I was sharing with a friend about this awhile back and it seems as though I finally came to somewhat of a description to how I feel.  I then began to paint a verbal picture of what it would be like to watch a butterfly come out of it's cacoon... Totally transformed from what it was before, and more TRUE to it's intended identity than in the beginning.  But I wonder how terrified that butterfly must be.  Can you imagine discovering that you have WINGS for the first time?  I'd imagine that the newly transformed butterfly would be in awe at the beautiful work of the skilled Craftsman that could do such a miracle as adrenaline and excitement surge through it's body as it gazes over the horizon of all the open spaces, adventures, and possibilities that await it.  Yet, on the other hand, I can imagine that tiny butterfly clutching the branch it finds itself on in fear that maybe it won't know how to fly or that it would fail. 

Being at the school these past few months was like being in a cacoon of God's love.  Not that it was a 'spiritual bubble,' and that's how the transformation took place.  No.  It was more.  It was where I met face to face with God at a more personal level than I have ever known.  He did such a work in my heart that I am blown away at the beauty He's discovered and revealed. 

I shall never forget what took place at our graduation from the school and how it summed up simply the profound work God did in my heart.  We had to go up in our small groups and before we received our certificate for graduating, our small group leaders would say a few thing about each person in teh group.  I'll be honest in saying that I was not looking forward to going up there and didn't know what would be said.  I had been to many awards ceremonies before where I had been honored by some achievement or another or for being such a strong spiritual woman and I did not want this night to be the same.  When my group got called up there, I was the last person my small group leader honored and I shall never forget what she said.  "Rebekah, I honor you for allowing yourself to be weak and for being vulnerable and for being a gentle woman."  WOW!  I was blown away.  After the ceremony I found myself alone in my room just crying before God and saying, "She saw me God.  She REALLY saw me!  That's what I want to take from this school... the ability to be weak.  Where before I was such a strong independent woman, now I am just a little girl with a Big Daddy who is looking out for her and who will never leave her."  I knew in my heart that I was ready to go.. to leave the safe place I found in Toronto because now the safe place dwelled inside of me.  I felt very much like that tiny butterfly coming out of that cacoon... healed, restored, and transformed... ready to fly, or was she?

Right now I feel as though I may still be clutching that branch, unsure of what is to come or if I will in fact know how to fly once that gust of wind comes... but at least I am exercising my wings and moving them up and down as I explore my options and the gentle breeze across my face reminds me that I am not alone.  In fact, even in times of soaking I have felt the sweet kisses of my Savior as He encourages me and tells me that He has placed everything I need for the journey within me.  So I inch closer to the edge of the branch.  To go back to where I was, the way and mindsets I had lived life from is not an option.  The butterfly is not able to return to being a caterpillar... and it can't stay on the branch.  It must fly to survive... to THRIVE... to LIVE the life it was meant to live. 

I have been reminded a lot about a picture a teammate and dear friend gave me while in Lund, Sweden.  I had just finished preaching on ungodly beliefs and he said to me later that while i was up there he saw a picture of me as a little girl with Jesus.  We were nailing snapshots of my life on the cross.  And then Jesus picked me up on His shoulders and we went away laughing and on to more adventures.  I was and am still so very encouraged by that... the work has been done.  It is finished.  The wounds have been healed... and no matter how much the enemy tries to tell me they are still there, i will no longer give him authority in my life.  So now, all that is ahead of me is open fields.. a vast horizon ready to be explored.  Though I am terrified, the excitement overrides it.  I am ready.  I have what it takes.  I am not alone.  I am ready to fly!... I just might need a big gust of wind to help me let go of this branch!